Taking Things Personally? Here’s Why It’s Not About You.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by taking things personally.

You know the feeling — being left on read, noticing a shift in someone’s tone, or catching a judgmental comment. Suddenly, your mind starts spiraling: Did I do something wrong? And before you know it, you’re questioning your worth or wondering if you’re just not enough.

But here’s a truth that often brings both relief and discomfort:

Other people’s actions are almost always more about them than they are about you.

Why We Take Things Personally

If you grew up in a chaotic, unstable, or unpredictable environment, your system is likely wired to pick up on even the smallest shifts in someone’s tone, mood, or body language. That hyper-awareness was a survival skill — a way to prepare yourself for what might happen next and to stay safe.

It was also a form of self-preservation. If you could figure out what you did “wrong” when your mom got upset, then maybe you could fix it. As children, we tend to internalize other people’s behaviors and the world around us because it gives us a sense of control in situations where we actually have very little.

But just because you learned that as a child doesn’t mean it disappears in adulthood. Often, we carry that same skill — the constant scanning, overanalyzing, and self-blame — into our relationships and daily lives, even when it no longer serves our safety.

Here’s the real talk: what others say, do, or don’t do usually reflects their inner world, not yours. Judgment can stem from insecurity. Silence can reveal fear or limited emotional capacity. Acting out can point to unhealed wounds.

What people project outward often has far more to do with what’s happening inside them than it does with you.

Boundaries Not Blame

Just because we keep in mind that someone’s actions are about them doesn’t mean it excuses unintentional (or intentional) harm. When we internalize others’ actions, we hand over our peace, making their reactions feel like our responsibility.

When we step back and say, This might not be about me, we create space to stay grounded in our own truth while still holding compassion for theirs.

What to Practice 

Use the pause — it’s powerful. Before responding, jumping to conclusions, or creating a story in your head, take a moment to ask yourself: Are there other factors I’m not considering? Could there be an explanation that has nothing to do with me?

Be Curious. Speaking of narratives: Before you start making one up in your head, pause and ask yourself what might be going on for them. (And remember — it’s perfectly okay to ask questions and communicate directly.)

Keep in mind that it’s not about you. Try to remember that their actions are not a reflection of you, but more so a reflection of them. 

Set boundaries. It’s okay to communicate how their actions made you feel and hold steady boundaries on how you’d like to be treated. Use “I” statements to focus on your experience versus putting them on the defense. 

Why This Matters

Must protect your peace at all costs. When you learn to separate yourself from someone else’s emotions, you create space for curiosity and connection. Not to mention, you give yourself the opportunity to regulate your nervous system rather than letting it be hijacked by someone else’s emotions.

At SonderFlow Counseling, I often talk about embracing sonder — the awareness that everyone is living a complex inner world — and creating flow, the ability to move through life with clarity and compassion. When we remember that others’ actions are usually about them, not us, we can fully experience both.

We can show up completely for life, for ourselves, and for others — without losing ourselves in the process.